Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
