biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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