What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
