it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
