fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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