The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
