So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
