Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
