can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
