Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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