Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
