What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
