just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
