your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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