I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
are you so shy because you have an std?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
