are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
