Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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