everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
