I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
