Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
