i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
