No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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