so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
