i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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