mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
