shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
