How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
