They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
