so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
