Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
