nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
