Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
