there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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