I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
