when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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