dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
