I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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