I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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