I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
