Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
