So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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