i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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