You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
