My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
