Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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