Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
