I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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