If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
