Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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