that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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