Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
