You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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