I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
