Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
