Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
