i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
